The Science of Forgiveness: A Key to Better Health and Happiness
To forgive or not forgive?
Forgiveness. We love to receive it…but why do we hesitate to give it? Maybe because it feels risky. Letting go can seem like putting ourselves in danger of being hurt again. We feel vulnerable. Or maybe it’s because forgiveness forces us to face our pain. And if there’s one thing humans like to do, it’s shove our hurt into a dark box under our emotional beds.
Now, forgiveness isn’t always a mountain to climb. For example, forgiving a co-worker for eating the sandwich we left in the staff fridge is usually not a big deal (well, most of the time). But forgiving someone for breaking our heart or treating us without dignity? That’s a completely different ballpark. Let’s be real—sometimes we feel justified in holding a grudge, especially when we’re dealing with repeat offenders.
“I forgave them once and they did it again. If I forgive them again, they’ll just keep doing it.”
“I have the right to be mad! They really hurt me.”
“They didn’t forgive me, so I won’t forgive them.”
“I can’t forgive them, what they did was just too horrible!”
The link between wellness and forgiveness
Maybe you’re wondering, “why is a wellness platform talking about forgiveness?” Great question! Forgiveness and wellness are deeply connected.
We hold on to offences for all kinds of reasons: to protect ourselves, to avoid facing pain, to spite the person who hurt us, or simply because we’re stubborn. At the core, we cling to unforgiveness because it feels like comfort or safety. But this comfort is false—it quietly poisons our mental, physical, relational, and even financial health.
Research shows that people who hold grudges—especially long-term—are more likely to suffer from high blood pressure, elevated stress, greater sensitivity to pain, depression, anxiety, and even higher risks of diabetes and heart disease (Mayo Clinic, 2022; Johns Hopkins, 2024). Much of this stems from the chronic anger tied to unforgiveness. One study even defines it as “the state in which the anger that the victim experiences takes hold of their daily lives, eventually impacting their overall well-being” (Kim et al., 2023).
While occasional anger is normal, chronic anger has been consistently linked to a lower quality of life (Kim et al., 2023). And it doesn’t just affect us. Anger is a powerful force—when left unchecked, it spills into our relationships. The result? We end up wounding the very people we love.
So…now what?
The good news is this: no matter how big the offence or how long you’ve been holding on, wellness is still possible. And yes—you guessed it—the key is forgiveness.
Forgiveness is linked to healthier outcomes: lower blood pressure, less anxiety, stronger relationships, and better self-esteem. But here’s the thing—it’s not about feeling like forgiving. Forgiveness is a choice, not an emotion. It’s deciding that bitterness is no longer worth the cost. You don’t have to feel like forgiving to begin the process.
And forgiveness usually isn’t instant. The bigger the offence, the longer it takes. It’s not about flipping a switch—it’s about choosing daily to let go of anger, sometimes multiple times in the same day. At first, it’s the hardest. But over time, the emotions catch up to the decision.
Forgiveness is not about denying the pain, excusing the offence, or rewriting the past. It’s about acknowledging what happened, refusing to dwell in bitterness, and remembering that we’ve also hurt others. Every one of us has needed forgiveness at some point.
Forgiveness doesn’t always mean…
It’s important to clear up a few common misconceptions:
- Forgiveness doesn’t always come with an apology. Many people won’t even realize they hurt us. Others may refuse to admit it. Forgiveness isn’t about their response—it’s about your freedom.
- Forgiveness doesn’t always equal reconciliation. While restored relationships are ideal, they’re not always safe, wise, or possible. Forgiveness is your choice, independent of how the other person reacts.
Wrapping it up
Sometimes, the hardest person to forgive is ourselves. Admitting that we’ve messed up can be more painful than pointing fingers at others. If you’ve been carrying guilt or shame, hear this: you can forgive yourself. You deserve the same grace you’d extend to someone else.
Beating yourself up doesn’t help anyone—not the people you’ve hurt (if applicable), and not you. It only keeps you stuck, angry, tired, and hopeless. Forgiving yourself is one of the most powerful steps toward healing, because you’re valuable and you have a purpose. You were created to make an impact on the lives of others—with a smile, an encouraging word, or simply by listening. But bitterness—towards others or yourself—robs you of that purpose.
So ask yourself: is holding on to this offence worth your wellness? Worth your purpose? Only you can decide.
Question time!
References
Kim, J. J., Payne, E. S., & Tracy, E. L. (2023, April 21). Indirect effects of forgiveness on psychological health through anger and hope: A parallel mediation analysis. Journal of religion and health. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10120569/
Mayo Clinic Staff. (2022, November 22). Why is it so easy to hold a grudge?. Mayo Clinic. https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692
Forgiveness: Your health depends on it. Johns Hopkins Medicine. (2024, June 20). https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/forgiveness-your-health-depends-on-it
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